#23 I'm Going to Keep Going, because I learned a lesson from a Friend.

#23 The Point of it All
By Alex Ness
June 2nd, 2024

THE WORLD OF ME

I've failed more than succeeded in life. My plans were much larger than my talents could achieve. Suicidal ideation has chased me from the age of 14. And I have made little money in life to show for my labors. I don't mean to suggest that I've done enough, or attempted so, but I know I am not like other people. I will die knowing, people will not think of my death as a great loss. More about life, as I am someone who never quite fit in this human society. I don't want people to think that I am suggesting that I don't deserve failure, and I don't deserve success. I have failed so much it no longer matters. I know that whatever I do, no matter how hard I try, I will not find success. And as such, in a world of labors in exchange for money, or popular people creating things that mean nothing but they will succeed any way, I know there is nothing I can do to change it.

I have some fire in me to release my last three books. I plan on doing some chapbooks for inexpensive products, limited to one printing of 100 editions, and I hope to make some money from that. But my brain is slowed by health issues, and my life is made more difficult from life issues. So how will it all end? I don't know. I write all of this not to complain, instead I believe speaking truth is important, whereas providing entertainment has a lesser role in life. I believe trying to focus on the factors leading us astray and making it know what they are, is a higher calling. My life story has doctors 8 times telling me that I should be dead, but somehow, I am not. That gives me reason to keep fighting, in the face of disaster and failure.

Perhaps some day I'll be in a small home, with cats, surrounded by books and scripts left unfinished. I hope to be with my wife, but she has much more to do in life, she is powerful and bright. I don't want to travel. I hate being cramped in a plane, and I can drive easier, but with back surgery and shoulder surgery on the way, I've no idea if that will change. I do know this, I am in pain every day, surgery won't fix that, and my DNA biological records are not good. So, perhaps this is but a whisper into the face of the storm. I know I have nothing about me that tells the world, he is important. But maybe that is good. I will be seen for the fool I am, and will expect nothing from me.

THE BIG EVENT

However, Life can be great. I got to do a book with my best friend. Since 2006 or so we wanted to work together, and while some projects failed, some exchanges and books defeated by there being too many cooks or too few creators and too many directors. We finally began a 5 year project, and chatted or texted, emailed or sent smoke signals 7 times a day. We got a sponsor for us BOTH to attend a convention for horror, the correct genre of a book for such a convention meant, likely sales. I truly was enamored of Joe's enthusiasm and expertise in writing. His wife was a good and talented human, and here I was, I had a book with both our names on the cover.

After having cancer and a broken neck, I've certain had a span of time that hasn't been good. But getting my heart set to work with Joe Monks on a series of books, over a 5 year plan was very motivating, to work with a great writer, with a plan, and being best friends, it was a dream. When he passed away a month prior to the convention, it broke my heart. Yes I could sell that book, and it would ring as a favorite work I've done. It was an accomplishment that broke me from my despair. But I was broken into many pieces to find someone who became my best friend, who I could and did speak to and about every subject. We talked writing and made massive plans. Joe was very much on fire with knowledge and ability. Along with being blind, he mowed his lawn. He walked his dogs. He fed the animals, cleaned his house. And refused to be made less by his blind eyes. He taught me so much, and despite his mocking me about the NY Jets since he was a NY Giants fan, I knew it was spoken with love.  I still have copies to sell, but it is a chapbook, so it isn't huge, and can only be signed by me.  Contact me at alexanderness63 at gmail dot com if interested.

More than the loss of Joe, which destroyed me in so many ways, more than losing his wisdom, humor, love and kindness, I gained from knowing Joe. He had every reason to surrender. And he instead fought harder, loved greater, and was not only determined to make his film The Bunker, but it was made, all the while directed, produced, and written him, by a blind man. Joe taught me things about life, other than the Jets, that I've taken to the deepest part of my heart. He taught me that it isn't that you do something well, but you do it, more than anything else, from determination and knowing, you are creating a product from the depths of your inspiration, and your existence.

I love Joe and he remains solidly in my heart. I hope beyond hope to meet him Elysium, but while I am sure he is welcome there, I've yet fully demonstrated my worth, nearly as much as he did.

BETTER THINGS TO CONSIDER

My cats love me. I love them. My son's cat sleeps on my throat. That isn't ideal, for breathing, but she is definitely a loving creature, and it moves me. Life is a good thing, but a much better thing being loved.  My wife moves me, her beauty is from the inside and outside of her being. My son inspires me. These have been painful times. But I have reasons to endure. Blessings to appreciate. And hope.